


i don't love you

by starrystars



Series: tangfei; on the other side of the world [2]
Category: HIStory3 - 圈套 | HIStory3: Trap
Genre: Angst, Broken!TangFei, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-21 04:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19366576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrystars/pseuds/starrystars
Summary: tangyi has never thought that he could fall out of love from shaofei- but he did.





	i don't love you

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to rest from writing but suddenly, i sent a message to my friend (poppy, thank you as always) and said "i wanted to write something sad for tangfei" and here it is.
> 
> i was listening to [i don't love you - urban zakapa](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5fl451CWDY) and this story was really inspired by this song.
> 
> i hope that this is okay though.
> 
> thanks for reading! <3

 

> _I don't love you_

* * *

 

 

Every day is just a normal day for Tangyi.

 

He often asks himself- _when did everything start to change?_  Usually, his days are filled with happiness and love because Shaofei will always be by his side, smiling and loving him like no other can. But, why is it so different nowadays?

 

Even Shaofei’s presence in his life doesn’t bring the usual joy he is so used to feel. It’s very weird and it’s very absurd but at the same time, Tangyi understands it very well. Somehow, Tangyi has always been trying to glue the pieces together because it is driving him crazy- he doesn’t feel the familiar ecstasy whenever Shaofei is looking at him, he doesn’t think of Shaofei the way he is accustomed to since work is pilling on him and truthfully, he doesn’t even look forward to their usual dates anymore.

 

Shaofei has always been his top priority, his first in everything, but sadly, not anymore.

 

At first, Tangyi is really afraid. He is afraid of his sudden change of heart because he is- was so used with the love he has for Shaofei. Yet, time changes him completely and the guilt he felt has to turn into… _desperation_.

 

Tangyi wanted nothing more than to end this.

 

Shaofei is flawless; everything about his lover is sculpted to perfection. That perfection was once a trait Tangyi would always adore and cherish about the officer because Shaofei has a heart made from gold; Tangyi has always love that about Shaofei.

 

Shaofei is too perfect for Tangyi.

 

Eventually, Tangyi started to feel so small standing next to Officer Meng Shaofei, now proudly known as _Captain Meng Shaofei_ \- albeit in reality Tangyi is bigger in terms of height but the overflowing confidence Shaofei has is finally taking its toll on Tangyi.

 

He is an ex-convict, he has served in prison for many years and yes, Shaofei waited for him long enough until the day he was released. And the officer is still waiting for him, waiting for his answer after he proposed to Tangyi last week.

 

The small velvet box felt heavy in his hands because the responsibility he has to carry if he said _yes_  to the proposal is really burdensome. It is very onerous to Tangyi because of his heart, his mind and his soul can no longer accept the officer. He can no longer love Shaofei the way he did years ago.

 

_Is it his fault?_

 

Maybe yes and maybe no.

 

What can he do? He can’t force his heart to accept the officer when his brain is denying everything, every sort of emotion almost too alarmingly. It doesn’t make sense at first because Tangyi swears to God he will love Meng Shaofei until his last breath but how did his heart turn into such direction?

 

It hurts.

 

Tangyi is hurting too.

 

He doesn’t want to hurt Shaofei any longer. The officer had probably noticed his change of action whenever they are together. Tangyi doesn’t hold his hands anymore, he doesn’t kiss him before going to work and he doesn’t say _I love you_  very often.

 

Usually, Shaofei is the one who said it first and halfheartedly, Tangyi replied without even looking at the latter in the eye.

 

It’s hard to explain but Tangyi doesn’t want to beat around the bush. His heart is no longer beating for Shaofei- as harsh as it might sound but it’s the truth, only the truth.

 

His gaze falls on the picture they took a year ago. Shaofei’s hands are wrapped around his waist while Tangyi planted a kiss on his lover’s cheek.

 

The picture of them together, they looked so happy and it has only been a year- _why did his heart change?_

 

The smile on Shaofei’s face is brilliant because he is beautiful. But now, it hurts to see that smile because Tangyi no longer deserves to be the reason behind that blinding smile.

 

Tangyi holds the box close to his chest. If his heart is still beating wildly then maybe, _maybe_ , they still have a chance.

 

It doesn’t.

 

 

***

 

 

 

In the comfort of their- _his_  room, Tangyi is sitting at the end of their- _his_  bed, waiting for Shaofei to arrive.

 

Sad enough, they had been living separately for almost a month now. At first, Shaofei did question him, interrogated him with endless questions and Tangyi burst from anger and annoyance for the first time in years. Tangyi saw the hurt flashing in Shaofei’s eyes, he did, but he manages to act as if he didn’t.

 

He remembered the tears that fall from his eyes on that very day- the guilt, the resentment, and the confusion was hitting him all at once. It was too overwhelming, it was too much for Tangyi to withstand because he had never seen Shaofei’s eyes showing so much pain before.

 

It scared him because Tangyi has slowly become a monster. The unshed tears in Shaofei’s pair of orbs are not affecting him at all.

 

Day by day, the guilt, the resentment, and the confusion was replaced with satisfaction, glee, and clarity. That’s the moment Tangyi realized- _it’s time to end everything they have._

 

“Tangyi,”

 

The door is opened and Shaofei enters with a small smile on his face that feels quite distant in Tangyi’s vision. The smile on Shaofei’s face is always captivating, is always nerve-wracking and picturesque but this smile that doesn’t reach his doe-eyes is something Tangyi has never witnessed before.

 

“Shaofei,” Tangyi called, the name felt heavy as it rolled from his lips.

 

Tangyi motions Shaofei to sit beside him and the officer did as he was told. The bed is dipping slightly as Shaofei is sitting at a safe distance from Tangyi.

 

His eyes are now on the officer and Tangyi noticed the bruise on his right cheek, the deep cut under his eyes and the fresh blood at the corner of his lips. His heart did ache at the sight of Shaofei covered in injuries, but just a little, it’s not enough to convince his heart from the decision he had made.

 

“You need to be more careful, Shaofei.” Tangyi said but more like a friend giving a piece of advice to a friend.

 

The light in Shaofei’s eyes are turned on but as soon as he sees the expression on Tangyi’s face, it exploded. The light in Shaofei’s eyes is dimmed once again.

 

“I will.” The officer replied, his voice is quivering and Tangyi fails to not notice this.

 

This is it.

 

This is the moment Tangyi has been waiting for.

 

“Shaofei,” He reached for Shaofei’s hand and entwine their fingers together, possibly for the last time.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Shaofei is looking at him with such raw turbulence, the old Tangyi might find it adorable but the new Tangyi is not feeling anything. Shaofei doesn’t give the effect to him anymore.

 

He took the box with his free hand and place it carefully on Shaofei’s own. “I don’t think I can accept this.”

 

Shaofei has always been a silent crier; he will never cry in front of Tangyi and he never did. Tangyi once caught him crying after he returned home from investigating but the moment ended with Shaofei hugging him to sleep and it was long forgotten- _not until this moment_.

 

Those innocent tears are falling from his eyes like a downpour. Crystal-like droplets are pouring too beautifully along his bruised cheek, this sight of Shaofei is sinful and gorgeous- Shaofei has always been beautiful.

 

Always have and always will, but his beauty is no longer for Tangyi to appreciate.

 

Tangyi is not the one who can acknowledge Shaofei’s beauty.

 

“Tangyi…”

 

“I don’t love you anymore.”

 

Something is hitting his chest hard enough to make him cough out blood because the look on Shaofei’s face is finally breaking him too. His heart is starting to crumble too.

 

He thought that he was strong enough to face Shaofei without feeling hurt or broken, but in all honesty, Shaofei still affects him even the slightest bit.

 

Shaofei is… he is so broken. He is shattering in front of Tangyi and it shows from the way his eyes are swollen and his hands a trembling in sadness.

 

“I-” Tangyi braced himself to continue. “-I can’t do this anymore, Shaofei.”

 

“Do you have someone else?” Shaofei asked, his voice is going a pitch higher whenever he started to cry.

 

“No,” Tangyi confessed truthfully because this is not about someone else. Tangyi will never cheat on Shaofei but this is a matter of his heart, his feelings that can no longer love Shaofei the way he did before.

 

“There will never be anyone but you Shaofei,”

 

“But then…” Shaofei looked up to meet his eyes, the officer is breaking apart the more he is looking into Tangyi’s eyes. “Why?”

 

“I can’t fool myself anymore Shaofei. I can’t love you because my heart doesn’t feel the same. My heart has stopped loving you.”

 

Shaofei is sobbing.

 

As much as Tangyi wanted to embrace Shaofei in his arms, he knows that is not the best option. He will hurt him even more if he decided to let the officer into his grasp again.

 

The memories of them together are flashing so vividly in his mind. Their first encounter, their first touch, their first hug, their first date, their first kiss, their first everything- Shaofei is shining in every memory that Tangyi has in mind. He knows that Shaofei will keep on sparkling like the stars and moon combined because he was born to light this darkening world with his presence.

 

Shaofei will always live in his memories because he is one of the best moments Tangyi has ever experienced in his life. But that moment will stop right now.

 

“Let’s break up.” Tangyi finally said it. _Finally_.

 

The look of disbelief, hurt, disappointment is like colors painting Shaofei’s face, but instead of rainbows, all Tangyi can see is the color of sadness- white, black and gray.

 

“I’m sorry, Shaofei.” By now, Tangyi is crying too.

 

Their entwined hands are starting to loosen, and in a matter of second, their fingers are no longer touching. The usual warmth Shaofei radiates has disappeared completely. Everything is cold and frozen to touch.

 

Taking a deep breath, Shaofei is looking at the box in his hands with a small smile. “I thought we will have our forever.”

 

“I thought this is the way- _the official way_ \- to make you mine but maybe it’s not. I’m sorry Tangyi.” Shaofei paused as a new batch of tears is falling from his swollen eyes. “I’m sorry for everything. But please know that I will never hate you. I can’t hate you,” The officer breathed out.

 

“I can’t hate you even if I want to.” The officer gazed at him delicately. “I love you too much to hate you,” Shaofei whispered.

 

Tangyi saw the silver band around Shaofei’s ring finger and he glances at his own; _empty_.

 

It’s not meant to be there, the matching silver band Shaofei bought for him, it doesn’t belong around his ring finger.

 

“I’m sorry for not being enough.”

 

“You are more than enough, Shaofei.” Tangyi cut him off. “It’s my fault. Not yours. Please don’t blame yourself on this.”

 

Tangyi breathes in hard enough until his lungs are starting to hurt. “I’m sorry because I can’t love you the same. I don’t want to hurt you Shaofei.”

 

The officer nodded and wipe his eyes roughly. “I understand.”

 

By now, Shaofei is already standing and is ready to leave. “Tangyi,” Shaofei said.

 

“Can I hug you? Just one last time?”

 

Tangyi can only comply because this is their final hug, this is their goodbye.

 

None of them has ever expected this moment to come, but it did, and this is the way they will part.

 

Tangyi embraces Shaofei in his arms, feeling the other is melting and breaking in his embrace all at once. He is drawing circles at Shaofei’s back as the officer is bawling his eyes out, the loud sob is enough to crack his entire universe in a heartbeat.

 

They parted when Shaofei pushes Tangyi’s body away from his. “I guess this is it.” The officer said just above a whisper.

 

“I’m sorry Shaofei. I hope that you will lead a happier life after this.”

 

Shaofei can only smile brokenly at the remark as he is walking towards the door. “Thank you for all the memories, Tangyi.” With that, the door to his room closes with a soft thud.

 

The weight on his shoulders is finally gone.

 

His heart is empty from everything that he has ever felt for Shaofei all these years.

 

As his eyes landed on their picture, Tangyi finally realized.

 

He is now free.

 

_At last._

 

He is free.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for every error since english is not my first language. thanks again for reading this!


End file.
